When I was a little girl my father would come home every night at six o’clock.  I would wait patiently by the front door, nose pressed against the glass, trying to catch the first glimpse of his old brown LeBaron coming up the street.  He would walk in the door all smiles and grab me in his arms to hug and kiss me hello.  At dinner he would commend my accomplishments of the day, possibly a finger painting or some sort of holiday diorama.  He’d tuck me into bed promptly at eight but not before reading a passage or two from one of my favorite books.  I never felt unloved, never felt unimportant, never felt anything but safe and happy.

I thought all children felt this way for a very long time.  It wasn’t until I was in sixth grade that I realized not every girl had a father like mine. I remember going over to a friend’s house for the first time after school one day.  My mother let me stay for dinner and I was shocked that the family started eating without their Dad.  In fact, my friends’ father didn’t come home until much later and we were already back to playing downstairs in the basement.  I heard his heavy footsteps and deep voice through the floor.  I stopped playing Nintendo, expecting my friend to spring to her feet at any moment to greet him. But she didn’t flinch.

“Don’t you want to go see your Dad?” I asked her.

“No.” She said quite firmly.  “I hate him. He’s mean.”

Her words were so jarring I didn’t know what to make of them.  How could she hate her Dad? I became so curious to meet the man of the house I made up the excuse of wanting some water.  My friend walked me back up stairs where we found her Dad eating at the dinner table, buried behind a newspaper.  She didn’t acknowledge him as she walked by.  He didn’t acknowledge her either. On our way back from the kitchen, her Dad abruptly tossed his paper to the side.

“Did you clean that hamster cage yet like I told you to?” Her Dad asked without looking up from his meal.

“Yes.” My friend answered.

I stood there, behind my friend, just starring at her father.  What was going on here? Why wasn’t he so happy to see her? Why wasn’t he asking about her day? Didn’t he want to know who I was? My mind raced with questions, but I didn’t dare ask any of them. Instead I took them home and thought on them some more.  Was her father always late for dinner? Did he usually read the paper at the table? Did he ever hug my friend? Why did she say she hated him?

As my friend and I grew closer I learned more about her Dad and their relationship.  He worked for an Insurance company, a job he hated, but he also coached girl’s basketball at the community center.  He was a huge fan of the game and spent all of his free time on the court.  And, of course, he enrolled his only daughter to play on the team.  My friend was not athletic.  Truthfully, she hated sports.  She was into music and art.  But her father wouldn’t hear of her quitting, in fact, if she complained too much he would ground her.  So every weekend was filled with practice and games, which made my friend miserable.

Their relationship was not warm and loving.  It was based on fear and resentment. Her father ruled with an iron fist, and his word was not to be challenged.  He didn’t want to know his daughter, he just wanted her to fall in line.

The choices you make today…

You may be living the life of a single girl now, but one day your role will change.  One day you will be a wife, and eventually a mother.  The man you chose for a partner, will not only be your husband, but the father of your children.  To think that far ahead is hard for some of us, but it’s a critical that we do so.  You are not only choosing a man for yourself, you are choosing a man that will head your entire household. You cannot think only of the relationship you will have with him.  You must also consider the relationship he could have with your son or daughter.  So before you say yes to any man, you must ask yourself, “what kind of father will he be?”

My friend didn’t chose her Dad.  She had no say in the relationship she was going to have with him.  She was innocently born into this family and had no power to change the way she was raised.  But her mother did have a choice.  Her mother made the decision to marry him.  Years ago, when they were merely dating, she ignored the fact that he could be cold at times.  She disregarded his moody and abrasive personality.  My friend’s mom was in love and wanted to get married.  Even if he wasn’t exactly perfect, her mom thought she was strong enough to deal with her Dad’s long list of shortcomings.

But never did she think about how her daughter would handle them.

What are the repercussions?

Studies show that children, especially girls, are greatly effected by their relationship with their father. An active, involved Dad, one who provides a loving and supportive environment, will breed well adjusted, happy children.  A detached, antagonistic Dad, can breed just the opposite.  Children can grow up to be angry, distrusting, excessively insecure and wildly promiscuous.

Maybe you are dating someone right now that has a bad temper.  Or maybe he flakes on you whenever you really need him.  Maybe he’s too cocky to show his feelings.  Or maybe he just makes you feel inadequate, unimportant and sad.  Maybe you are actually considering marrying this man. Before you do, think about this:  If he makes you, a grown woman feel this way, how do you think he will make your five-year-old feel?

Who you marry is your choice.  Just remember that your kids will reap the benefits or suffer the consequences based on that decision.  So Chose wisely.

If you are uncertain about the guy in your life, email Jess for a personal coaching session.  Or check out You Lost Him at Hello wherever books are sold.

For those of you that don’t know, I have a summer intern.  Audra began working with me earlier this month and is helping me organize my coaching business, stay on top of the latest dating news, and teach me a few things about marketing (I have a Tumblr account now!) She’s one smart cookie and loves putting pen to paper as much as I do.  This week, I figured I’d turn over my blog for the first time ever to someone else.  So without further adieu, here’s Audra’s take on what constitutes a date.

Before I begin this blog, let me preface with a few statements. 1. I am Mormon, and 2. Mormons date.

Dating in the Mormon world is looked at not only as a weekend activity for the mutually attracted, but as a vital winnowing out process that will result in discovering the one, and thus enable couples to move forward towards the end goal of creating an eternal family. Needless to say, dating is a practice of great importance within Mormon culture.

However, for the past year I have been living in the DC area, working, going to school, drinking far too many chai lattes, and while the city scene is awesome, the dating scene seems to need a bit of work. Now it is not that there is a shortage of great guys, in fact I feel as though I am running into new, attractive, males daily, but I think there is a shortage of dating know-how. Now, before this assessment takes on a negative tone, let me elaborate.

DC constituents, particularly those seeking to ascend the political ladder, are bright, hard working, and according to this months GQ – healthy individuals. BUT very few people seem to understand what constitutes a date. And, I think it’s important to discuss this.

What is a date?

I believe a date has certain rules, but before I list out the details, I will start with the 3 p’s: paired off, planned, and paid for. This means that a social group hang- where everyone just “chills” at someones house is not a date. This means that running into each other at Starbucks and deciding to split a danish, is not a date. This means that if you’re getting dinner, even if it’s just at Chipotle, you order together.

Clearly life is busy, and unless you make your dating life a priority it won’t happen. Which then follows that women need to demand dates and not accept the quasi-date, the group date, or any other ambiguous date-like activity (going to his house to watch him play Tour of Duty 4 is not a date.) Dating requires planning, and effort, and that both parties be on their best behavior.

Now, I understand this dating process may to some seem antiquated. And I can understand for many this might also seem like way too much work when the objective is just to have a good time. But,  there is a distinct difference between dating and hanging out- finding a boyfriend and a boy for the night. It is up to each girl to make that distinction, to be accountable for the dating life she chooses.

If you want to date, tell your male counter part. It is the rare male that will be openly willing to put on a production, when he could get away with sending a text. However, from experience there is a certain air about planning a date, and being put in total control, that brings out a manly side that sometimes we alpha female overshadows.

Dating is fun, clearly work, and an opportunity to act like a lady instead of a chum or a coworker. It is a time to flirt, to be charming, and to dress up. It is also an opportunity to analyze the kind of man you think you may be attracted to.

Does your short skirt tell him something about you that isn’t true?

About a week ago I did something I hadn’t done in a while.

It felt a bit strange a first, as if I was completely out of my element. But eventually I began to relax and soon I was enjoying myself. What was I doing? I was hanging out at a bar, late on a Saturday night with some of my single girlfriends.  Something you do less and less of as you get into a relationship, and something you have to absolutely make time for if you want to keep your gal pals.

But balancing boys and friends is not the topic of this weeks blog.  No, the idea for this blog came to me as I was sitting outside with my friends, watching the line at the door quickly lengthen. As I eyeballed all the twenty something patrons, I noticed that things have changed quite a bit in the last two years since I’ve been out on the scene.

The GaGa Effect

Is it just me, or are young women dressing more scantily and scandalously than ever before? I saw five girls walk by me in the first hour, all dressed in skin tight skirts that barely covered their ass cheeks. Forget referring to dresses as “above or below the knee” anymore. The new trend is to show off all the butt and leg you’ve got.

My first question is, where are these girls buying their clothes from and why do they all want to be mistaken for strippers?

The only thing that makes sense to me here is that women who dress so provocatively are going for the GaGa effect.  Known for her outrageous, barely there outfits, Lady GaGa is never one to cover up. Her “look at me” ensembles attract attention wherever she goes.  Just last week she was hanging out at a Met’s Game wearing a jeweled bra and panty.

Yes, she got attention. But the out of touch singer has also said she really wants to find love. I hate to break it to her, but watching a baseball game more than half-naked isn’t a good way to prospect.

What do men like?

If you are single and looking for a good guy, you should know that not all attention is good attention. What you wear communicates something about you. If you’re decked out in your highest heels and shortest skirt, you may think you are the hottest thing at the bar, but there is a fine line between looking sexy and looking easy.

Maybe the confusion comes from the misunderstanding that the more men that look at you, the hotter you must be. If you walk into a room and one man looks at you, that must mean you are doing okay in the looks department. But if twenty men look at you, that must mean you are knocking it out of the park. If that’s your reasoning, it would make sense to dress provocatively because the look would certainly yield more attention than jeans and a T-shirt.  But think about this:  How many guys are you going to marry? Just one. So why do you need twenty guys ogling you? Is it because you are really looking for Mr. Right? Or is it because you want to feel good about yourself. You want an ego boost.  And there is no shame that. Everyone needs it now and then. Just realize that dressing so skimpy has absolutely nothing to do with looking good to attract a guy. It only has to do with building up your self esteem. And here is the dilemma. While men may like looking at girls in slutty clothes, they don’t seriously date them.  Sure they will try to take them home for the night, but they won’t take them home to meet Mom.

How to stand out?

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “Okay Jess, I see your point.  But competition is fierce out there. I need to get myself noticed or I won’t ever meet someone. So how do I look respectable, but still attract attention?”

The answer is to try to look different, not better than everyone else. I know how easy it is to get lost in a sea of people.  When you are out on the town you will see other girls showing off their T&A, but you don’t have to expose yourself to catch a guys’ eye. Think about what most women will be wearing and then wear something completely different. If you know that you will find yourself in a forest of mini skirts and plunging neck lines, go sporty and don a cute pair of shorts and a flattering T. You will stand out because you look different, but you will still look respectable.

Don’t discount other accessories like hats, shoes, scarfs and belts. All these items can help distinguish you from your female counterparts. My girlfriend, Nancy met her boyfriend at a bar last year because she was wearing a fedora.  He saw her across the room and made a b-line for her.  He later told her that her unique sense of style gave him the impression that she was unique in other ways too.

So while Lady GaGa’s fashion may be keeping herself in the spotlight, I guarantee its keeping her out of a good romance.  Save your slinky outfits for a more appropriate time and place. Like your bedroom or Halloween.  What you are wearing is the first thing a man will notice about you, so you want it to say the right things. It would be a shame if his perception of you was skewed merely because of your skirt.

If you are having trouble finding the right guy, or you are noticing a pattern of guys disrespecting you, contact Jess McCann for a personal date consult. Also check out “You Lost Him at Hello” wherever books are sold.

May 30, 2010: Stephany Flores slipped on some jeans and a black T-shirt before she left her home in Lima for a night on the town. Five years earlier, Natalee Holloway put on her multi-colored halter top and headed out the door for some fun as well.  Two women, both excited for the night ahead, and like so many single girls, possibly hoping for a chance encounter with romance. When they met Joran van der Sloot, neither would suspect that he’d be anything less than a gentleman.

Unfortunately we know what happened next. Stephany Flores was brutally murdered and Natalee Holloway was never seen or heard from again. Neither of these girls saw Joran van der Sloot as a threat.  Neither of them would have gotten in his car, or gone to his hotel room if they had sensed any danger. He was just a guy. A really cute guy that seemed interested in getting to know them. A guy that asked questions, bought drinks and flirted with them throughout the night.  How many times have any of us met a guy just like that?

Most of us don’t worry about encountering a psychopath while we are out having a good time with our friends. If we venture out to a bar, club or party with the intent to meet someone new, our mentality is one of hope and anticipation, not fear and apprehension. But the reality is that prospecting has it’s own perils, and an innocent night out can easily turn dangerous, or sometimes even deadly.

The Mistake

The one mistake that both Natalee and Stephany made was leaving the place they originally met Joran and moving to a second location with him. True, when Oprah tells us, “Never let them take you to a second location” the “them” she is referring to are kidnappers and serial killers. She is not talking about the guy you just met at the bar. But moving to a second location is a bad idea with anyone you don’t know, so that guy who just bought your second round is no exception.

Janelle, who is thirty-seven and single has learned her lesson about leaving bars with men.  “I was always approached by guys when I was out with my friends.  After a few drinks they would turn to me and say, ‘let’s get out of here’ and I would follow.” One night Janelle drove a guy home that she met a few hours earlier. “We started making out in the car and he asked me to come inside his house.” Janelle agreed and went in with the intention of staying another hour and then driving home.  But that isn’t what happened.

“I had been drinking, and after we were making out for a while he started trying to have sex with me.” At first Janelle said she resisted, but eventually she caved. “I woke up in the morning feeling very remorseful and worried that he’d never call me again,” she said.

She was right. The guy never called her and never responded to any of her texts.

Danger Comes in Different Packages

Hopefully most of us will never have the misfortune of running into someone as nefarious as Joran van der Sloot. But there are still side effects of changing locations even when the guy is as normal and decent as you or me. Like Janelle, you could end up in a situation where alcohol or raw emotion impairs your judgment. What is fun in the moment, can be agonizing and demoralizing for months after.

But maybe you know in your gut you wouldn’t ever go home with a guy.  So what is the harm of moving to a second location, if the location is just another bar? Kim, who is twenty-nine and single, can now answer that question with clarity.

“I used to meet guys out all the time and they would say, ‘Hey, we are leaving to go to another bar. Come with us.’ And I would go. I would spend the whole night with them bar hopping.  It was a lot of fun, and at the end of the night someone would always ask for my number. But for some reason they never called.”

At the time Kim didn’t realize that she made herself out to be a “groupie.” She was a girl that followed guys from place to place much like the women that follow bands from city to city. Yes, they have a good time and yes, they often hook-up, but who seriously dates a groupie?

After so many failed attempts to meet someone by following the guy herd, Kim finally changed up her prospecting strategy.  “I respect myself much more when I don’t follow a guy to wherever he is going next.  And even though he is disappointed, he respects me for it too.”

Staying Put

Nothing good ever comes from moving locations. Yes, I get that you don’t want your night to end. I understand that you are having fun and holding out since he hasn’t asked for your number yet. But this is when you have to insert logic into your decision making and tell yourself that the long term repercussions would greatly outweigh the short term gain. You may be able to kiss him if you just hang out a bit longer, but is that all you want? Wouldn’t you rather leave without the kiss, but still have his interest?

And although it’s unlikely that you will put yourself in any kind of physical danger, it’s certainly not impossible. Sadly, if Natalee and Stephany had made the decision to just stay put, I’m sure they wouldn’t be headline news today.

Do you find yourself second guessing how to handle guys? Are you worried about saying no to them and possibly hurting their feelings?  Read “You Lost Him at Hello” and learn how to handle yourself in the dating arena.  Or contact Jess McCann for a personal date consulting session.

Dear Friends and Family,

As things begin slowing down for some of us, and heating up for others, I wanted to invite you to take a moment and share your dating stories with me. Between writing for Washington Life, and getting ready to start my next book, I am seeking out experiences and memories you have had in your search for the perfect mate.

Any of these story lines sound familiar?

Going to the second location: Instead of going home after dinner…you wound up at his house

Dating the jerk and being in the jerk phase: How did you break free- and what can you share with other women in their jerk phase

Finding the guy who let you know all guys weren’t bad: the good guy who opened your eyes

How you have dug into his past without overstepping the boundaries

A burning question from a past relationship?

Anything you think might be interesting- I am interested in. This is your chance to pass on what you’ve learned or get your questions answered by an expert. If your story is used I will contact you with my two cents.

And don’t worry, I value my privacy and I promise to respect yours- this means that no, your name will not be used if you don’t wish.

I look forward to reading about your relationship encounters and sincerely appreciate your taking the time to write to me!

Have a wonderful summer,

Jess McCann

Send all emails to: coach@jessmccann.com with Call For Stories in the subject line.

My friend Lucy remembers very vividly the day her boyfriend became unattractive.  He didn’t gain weight, grow a beard, or stop showering.  No, nothing like that.  In fact, he was only getting in better shape lately, hitting the gym six days a week now instead of three. But as he was finishing his shower and beginning to meticulously messy his hair one morning, an overwhelmingly nauseating feeling struck her deep in her gut.

I hate this man, she thought.

They had been together for two years.  She saw him one night while out on the town with some friends.  He was exactly her type.  Standing at the bar, smoking a cig, he had the confidence that most other guys lacked.  He was an impeccable dresser and looked as if he had just stepped out of an Armani catalog.  He was surrounded by people, each looking as if they were vying for his attention. Lucy’s competitive spirit kicked into overdrive.

I have to meet him, she thought.

He was just as charming as she suspected.  And when they left the club that night in his S-Class Mercedes, she thought to herself, this is the guy for me.

Two years later, standing in her boyfriend’s bathroom, that tantalizing image of her man was long gone. She no longer saw that guy at the club when she looked at him.  Now she saw a completely different person.  Hot tempered, egotistical at times, and unable (or unwilling) to do anything outside his comfort zone. Of course he did have his good qualities too.  He was wildly romantic and tons of fun.  Everywhere he went, he went in style.  He was a smooth talker and everyone knew him. But as she became more engrossed in her boyfriends life, she found herself becoming more like him and less like herself.  No longer could she sit at home on a Friday night, cuddled up with a good movie and a glass of wine.  He’d think that was boring.  She stopped reading too, one of her favorite pastimes. Her boyfriend never read a thing other than GQ.  But the worst of it was, he didn’t like his family, and complained about them incessantly.  Even though his mother gave him everything he wanted, he preferred spending time with his friends, and often chose them over his family. This always bothered her since Lucy adored her parents and their loving yet stern parenting style. But as she and her boyfriend grew closer, she and her parents grew further apart.

Standing in the bathroom she realized that what she was so attracted to physically, had never quite matched what turned her on mentally.  The guy at the club, who knew everyone’s name, partied like a rock star, and drove home in his Benz, was not going to be the same guy that wanted to sit and talk on the couch for hours on a Saturday night, discussing Moral Politics and playing Scrabble with her.  At twenty-seven years old, Lucy finally resigned to the age old adage that what you are attracted to isn’t necessary what’s right for you.

Looking from the inside out

After years of dating the same type of guy, Lucy finally realized that while you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, you certainly can make reasonable deductions of one’s personality based on the outside.  Every guy she had ever been attracted to, not only shared the same physical characteristics, but mental and emotional characteristics as well.  Seems judgmental? Sure, but when you really think about what I am saying it makes sense. Is it really a shock to anyone that the guy that drops $200 on his haircuts is a bit more image conscious the guy that frequents the Hair Cuttery? Or that the guy driving the Sliverado gets more excited about Rolling Thunder than Restaurant Week? The reason you are attracted to someone initially is not just about what they look like, it’s also about who you perceive them to be based on what image they are presenting you with. But if you change that perception, you will end the attraction.

How to judge a book by it’s cover

While you will never really know someone just by looking at them, and let me say, I encourage you to always give them benefit of the doubt at first, there are certain external characteristics that can tell you a lot about who a person is.  In Lucy’s case, she was always attracted to the high rolling, party-boy types. She liked men that were “movers and shakers” because they seemed larger than life.  She was attracted to their popularity and charisma. The problem with these “movers and shakers”, however, was that they were always on the move.  She may have been attracted to that kind of guy and the lifestyle they had at first, but at the end of the day,  she had other priorities that took precedence over getting a table at the newest club.  She tried for two years to curtail her boyfriend’s clubbing addiction, but, eventually, she realized that he was doing what he liked doing, and she just had to accept that and move on.

Changing what you like

So maybe you have finally realized that the type of guy you are attracted to is not particularly good for you in the long run.  But can you really change what you are attracted to? Isn’t that like telling yourself not to like your favorite flavor of ice-cream?  Can you really help that you like what you like?  If you ask me, I would say it’s possible to reset what you are attracted to. How do I know? Because I have done it myself.

The first thing you have to do when resetting your “hot” button, is think about the guys that you are currently attracted to and imagine how they would be in a relationship.  So for instance, instead of looking at a football player and thinking how hot it is that he plays for the NFL and how cute he looks in his uniform, think about him traveling for away games and spending half his year at home, but the other half on the field.  If you were his wife or his girlfriend, how would that make you feel? Would that uniform really make a difference when you are eating dinner by yourself? Think deeper when it comes to attraction. Because although his superstar status may wow you now, it could leave you cold in the future.

Then think about what kind of a guy would make you happy in regards to actually being in the relationship. Do you want someone that is smart and successful, but also puts his family and relationship with you before all else? Maybe the multi-millionaire work-a-holic is not for you then. Instead of looking at him and seeing a lavish lifestyle that tickles your financial fancy, you train yourself to see a man who is so busy with work he can’t spend time with you. Then the next time you meet a high roller, the attraction won’t lure you in again.

If you are trying to break your old habits of attraction, you have to out smart your heart.  You have to insert some logic into your lust. Just looking at a guy and saying to yourself, “Don’t go there again, you will get hurt” just won’t do the trick. You will be back at his place before you can even finish the sentence. You have to start seeing a different person when you look at him.  You have to see the qualities that make him wrong for you.  At first you will have to talk yourself into it, but as you keep reiterating this over and over again, it will become more natural. Then when your perception has been successfully set straight, you will be cured of falling for the hot guy, the bad boy, the partier, the high roller, and every other stereo type that is all wrong for you.

If you want specific dating advice for yourself, contact Jess for a one-on-one consultation. Or pick up her book, You Lost Him at Hello where books are sold.

How to stay strong when he finally calls.

How many of you have ever been in the situation where you know you shouldn’t call a guy back, but for some irrational and illogical reason, you go against your own sound judgment and do it anyway?  Maybe he said he would call one night, but didn’t.  Or maybe he’s disappeared on you and he’s suddenly come back. Whatever the reason is that he is calling now, you know that dating etiquette would tell you to send him to voicemail and leave him there. Maybe you leave him there for good, or maybe just for a night. Whatever the specifics of your situation are, you know that the right move is to not call him back right away.

But somehow the right move just doesn’t feel right.  It doesn’t sit well.  It’s like day old pizza in your stomach. You can tolerate it for a little while but sooner or later you have to do something about it. Every book out there will tell you it’s perfectly okay not to return his call.  In fact, many will say that it will only help you gain the upper hand. So why can’t we follow this one little-bitty, time tested, widely known piece of advice?

Not Calling is Tougher than Calling

While you are waiting for his call, a tremendous amount of angst builds up inside of you.  You are stressed, nervous, sad, and angry all at the same time.  It’s emotional overload.  You walk around with a cloud over your head, and no matter what else you do to keep yourself occupied, it’s still there.

Until that phone rings. Then suddenly all that emotional build up is wiped away. Thank God! He’s called (or in many cases, texted.) You are satisfied for the moment. That will teach him to make you wait.  But then, not ten minutes later all the angst is back.  Now the ball is in your court. It’s up to you to make the right decision.  You have all the power. What if by not calling back he thinks you are a total bitch? Or what if you wait too long to call him back and he calls someone else? Someone younger and less neurotic? What if he thinks you are mad, or worse, what if he thinks you are playing a game? Is it possible you could push him even further away at this point? Now the emotional stress is even more unbearable because it’s contingent on you.  Before you only had to sit there and do nothing. That was easy. Now you have to make the right play or you could ruin everything!

What to do when you know you should not call.

For whatever reason, earlier you decided that this guy did not deserve a call back, either right away or at all.  While you were waiting you gathered all the evidence you needed to support your decision. You were just waiting for him to call so you could immediately start not calling him back.  But once your cell lit up with his number, emotion took over and rather than stick to your original plan, you became consumed with one thing: making yourself feeling better.  The problem here is that holding out on calling him, means holding on to the stress. You’d rather call him back and be done with that, than prolong this agony. You’d rather call and lose a bit of your pride than not call and worry about it for the next three weeks. We’ve all been there, and there is no shame in that place.

The problem is that if you call him, you will just be starting this vicious cycle all over again. You were finally going to stand your ground and do something different. Something he wouldn’t expect.  And while you planned this all out in your head, you felt good about it.  You felt powerful.  And that is where you need to be. So how do you fight this urge to call back? How can you win this internal battle with yourself and come out victorious?

The Solution

Just when you are about to pick up that phone and make that fatal mistake, I want you to think of one thing. I want you to imagine going to your “Favorites”, pressing his name, and hearing the phone ring. I want you to imagine it ringing and ringing.  And ringing some more.  And then I want you to imagine the worse thing possible happening.  His voicemail picks up.

Can you even fathom having to leave a message? You could hang up of course, but if he doesn’t call you back after that, then what?  Then you will be in an even worse position than you are now. So you would have to leave some sort of message and then you would have to hang up and wait for him to call you back…again.

Just thinking of him not answering the phone when you call should be enough of a deterrent for you. The best way to ensure that he will pick up, is to wait a long enough amount of time so that when he sees you calling he thinks, “wow, I wasn’t sure if she was going to call me.” And at that point, he won’t want to miss his chance to talk.

So next time you are struggling with the no call back, just envision him not picking up the phone. That should keep you nice and strong for at least a few hours. Because nothing is more frustrating than waiting a week to hear from a guy, only to have him not pick up once you decide to call him.

For more dating techniques, check out Jess McCann’s book, “You Lost Him at Hello.” Or sign up for a one-on-one personal date coaching session by visiting www.jessmccann.com

Dear Jess,

I’m a big fan of your book.  I finally understand what I’ve been doing wrong with men.  I fully intend to practice what you preach, but here is the issue: I’m currently involved with someone right now and I’ve already made all the mistakes you talk about.  I didn’t fill my funnel, and told him after only two weeks that I wasn’t dating anyone else.  I also may have slept with him…oops.  Now I feel like he has the total upper hand and I don’t know what to do.  I want him to commit, but I also want to feel like we are on equal ground.  How do I accomplish this? Is it too late to follow your strategies? Do I have to start all over with a different guy, or can we turn this around?

Thanks for all your advice!

Jill

Hi Jill

Your question is probably the most popular one I get from readers.  It’s difficult to stay the course when emotions are high and the guy is cute.  Everyone falters from time to time.  One minute you are strong and level headed, the next you are making out in a restaurant bathroom with your Match date.  We all have what I call those “Oops moments”.  The good news is, that you can recover from your mistakes.  It really just depends on how big they are.

In your case, the mistakes are rather consequential. You didn’t just embarrass yourself by drinking too much (usually an easy recovery if played right), you’ve committed a mortal dating sin.  Not only did you tell this guy how much you like him, you confirmed it by doing the deed before having “the talk.”  He knows he’s got you now. He doesn’t have to win you over to get you to like him, or to sleep with him.  To him, you are just a text message away.

Jill, you have put yourself in the most vulnerable of positions.  You have two choices. Choice A: You just keep doing what you doing.  You answer when he calls, see him when he asks, and hook up when he pleases.  Eventually you will become a girlfriend of convenience, and you will be doing a whole lot of waiting and wondering while he hardly gives you a second thought. Or, Choice B: You make changes right now. First change, immediately stop having sex with him. Tell him that you made a mistake because you  felt like you knew him, but now realize that you were a bit too hasty.  Then, and this is really important, you have to regain your independence, realize you don’t care if this relationship works out, and decide to take some time to self-reflect.  And if you can’t do that, fake it.  Don’t answer his texts right away, tell him you need a little time to think and that you will give him a call next week. You need to put some distance between yourself and the situation at hand.  This is one instance where “talking it over” is not going to go over as well as, “letting it air out.”

This guy thinks he has you at his disposal. And in many ways, he’s right. But it is time to change this ship’s course.   I know this is easier said then done, but if you don’t, you will automatically revert to Choice A, and we know where that will lead you.

Once the week is over, you want to act as if you are back to the beginning.  You want to apply all the old rules.  Don’t say yes if he asks you to come over that night.  If this was the beginning of your relationship, you would never drive over to a first dates house, would you?  Wash away the past and start fresh in your head.  If you stay on course this time around, it should be smooth sailing from there.

If you want to read more about Jess’ strategies for winning over your guy, pick up a copy of You Lost Him at Hello, or contact Jess McCann for a personal date coaching session.

Callie’s first date with Mark was awesome.  He had taken her to a Wizards game, where they had floor seats.  Afterward, they grabbed a late dinner at Proof, where Mark impressed her with his vast knowledge of Italian wine. They split a dessert, each had a cappuccino, and discussed their favorite books and movies. When the evening was over, Mark drove Callie home and lingered at the door hoping for an invitation inside.

“Do you want to come in for a bit?” Callie asked.

“Only if you aren’t tired,” Mark said.

Callie smiled and stepped into the house. She looked back to see Mark still standing there.

“I’m not tired at all, actually,” she said flopping down on her couch.

Mark walked through the door and closed it behind him.

The next morning Mark woke up to find Callie in the kitchen.  After an awkward goodbye, he headed back to his car to get moving on his day. He promised Callie he’d call her later that evening, but he already had plans with the guys.  I will call her later this week, he thought.

Meanwhile Callie was already on the phone with her best friend, retelling the nights’ events.

“You slept with him?!” Her friend gasped.

“I know, I was bad. I shouldn’t have.  But we had such amazing chemistry.” Callie explained. “He’s going to call me later tonight. Maybe we will go to a movie.”

Of course Mark never called.  Callie sat home for a while but then forced herself to meet up with her friends at a bar down the street.  She lamented to them that she hadn’t heard from Mark and began to think she had done something wrong.

“I don’t think I thanked him for dinner!” She exclaimed quickly breaking out her iphone. “I’m going to text him and say thanks again for the wonderful night.” Before her friends could interject, she had already sent the message.

Mark texted back on Sunday night telling her he was exhausted from the weekend and maybe they would catch up that weekend.  Callie was completely thrown off by this comment. Maybe? What does maybe mean? Her friends told her to play cool and just wait to hear from him again. She did, and he called.  They decided to meet up for a drink around nine that evening.  Everything went well just as it did on their last date.  Callie felt silly for stressing out. Clearly Mark liked her, all the signs were there. They stayed out until the bar closed at 2pm.  As they walked out the door, Mark grabbed her and kissed her.

“Come back to my place?” He asked.

“Okay.” She said.

You can guess what happened next. After they had sex for the second time they didn’t talk for almost a week.  Callie was going nuts this go round.  Why wasn’t he calling and asking to see her? Was there someone else in the picture? She hadn’t done anything wrong. They had amazing chemistry.  Why would he seem so interested one minute, but then not contact her the next?

She decided to do a little investigating on the Internet.  She had already friended Mark so she could see everything he was doing.  He had a few pics posted with the same girl, but she couldn’t be sure if they were together.  She felt helpless and depressed.  What could she do? She was wrought with anxiety. She picked up her phone and decided to text him, only to say hi.  She would feel better just hearing back from him.  Unfortunately he didn’t respond.

That week was torture for Callie.  Finally on Friday night, Mark texted her.  She was so upset that he waited so long that she called him instead of texting back.  When Mark answered the phone, he was his usually jovial self.

“Hey you!” He said.

“Where have you been lately?” Callie asked as if she were neglected mother who’s son hadn’t called home in awhile.

“Just around. Why?” He asked.

“I haven’t heard from you and I thought I would.  I’m not sure what to think really because we had such a good time on our dates. I guess I thought you would want to see me more.”

The silence on the line indicated how uncomfortable Mark was at that moment.

“I do like you, I just don’t really think I want a serious relationship right now. I thought we were having a good time.”

At that point, Callie should have hung up the phone and walked away.  She should have realized that Mark’s impression of her was already a done deal.  He had already had sex with her, so he didn’t feel the need to chase her any longer.  Now he was just calling and texting at his leisure.  He wasn’t out to pursue her. He had already divided and conquered… so to speak.

But Callie didn’t hang up the phone.  Instead she reassured Mark that she wasn’t looking for anything serious either and suggested dinner that week.  He said fine.

And the pattern repeats itself.

Why do we hang on?

To an outsider, it seems so obvious that Mark is just not interested.  He doesn’t call when he says he will.  He doesn’t want to see Callie more than once a week, and he even flat out told her, “hey, I’m not looking to get involved with you.”  So why would Callie continue to keep seeing this guy?

I will tell you why. It’s been my experience that when a woman sleeps with a man, regardless of how long she has known him, she feels she is owed something.  Many women won’t admit to this, and some would refute it, but hear me out.  What we think we are owed is respect, and rightfully so.  The only caveat is that respect comes in the form of a relationship (or at least it looks that way to a guy.) If we sleep with you and never go on another date again we have to face the fact that you may not like us.  And how can we live with ourselves knowing we just had sex with someone that doesn’t like us?

In Callie’s case, she’d rather fight tooth and nail to get Mark to go out with her again so she doesn’t have to face that fact. If he sees her again, pays the bar tab, and drives her home, then she can tell herself, “see, he really does think you are great.  Even though he doesn’t want a relationship now, he may later.” Of course, that feeling is washed away the minute Mark walks out the door again.

What do you do after you’ve slept with him?

The smart thing to do is to not sleep with a man too soon.  As one of my male clients just told me today, “we will wait forever for a girl we like.” So there is no need to rush into sleeping with someone.  He won’t lose interest.  On the contrary, he will only hang on to you tighter and longer.  But what if it’s too late and you’ve already goofed?  Even though you don’t want to hear this, the best thing to do is walk away.  You aren’t going to change his mind by continuing to hound him.  He’s not going to suddenly feel different about you if you text him more.  I know it’s hard to face the fact that you may have slept with someone too quickly and now he’s put you in the “hook-up only” box, but it’s a lot better than wasting your time chasing a guy that doesn’t want you, right?  So move on and make sure this is a lesson you don’t soon forget. Your self-respect will come back in time.  The more time you spend away from him, the faster it will come back.  In time, you won’t feel that constant ache.  You won’t crave his approval.  But it starts by cutting yourself off from him.  The more you hold on, the longer you will suffer.

SPRING PROMOTION

Since spring is a time to get out and find love, I’m offering two coaching sessions for the price of one.  Contact me at www.jessmccann.com and mention the spring promotion for more details. This offer will last through April 30, 2010.

I’m irritated. I just discovered a new book, out last week apparently, called Have him at Hello. If you are just visiting this blog for the first time, allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Jess McCann.  I’m the author of the book, You Lost Him at Hello, which was published in September 2008.  I think you can guess now why I am irritated.

But there is more! I come to find out this afternoon, that this book, Have Him at Hello, is not new at all.  It was published last year under the title, Why he didn’t call you back. Apparently it didn’t sell well and the publisher and author decided to change the name and re-release it last month.  Gee, I wonder where they thought of their catchy title? Sorry if I sound bitter, but it’s because I am! I spent two years thinking of a title for my book.  I wracked my brain.  I drank wine with my friends and brainstormed titles.  I even bought books on how to title books!  Finally on a train ride back from NYC one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  And You Lost Him at Hello was born.

How can I be sure they used my book for their title? Easy.  When you write a book you have to do research on what other books are on the market that will compete with yours.  My book was almost entitled, Closing the Deal until we researched and found a dating book already called that.  So these people knew my book was out there.

The only good news here is that this old book with a new title doesn’t say anything you haven’t already heard before.  You won’t find anything there than you can’t find in any other dating tome.  My book is the only one that will tell you how to End Your Date at the Height of Impulse, or how to use The Mirror Theory so you aren’t nervous on a first date.  You won’t find out what Filling your Funnel means anywhere else.  So I can’t be too upset.

What’s inside Have Him? Basically it runs the gamut of all the reasons a guy may not like you.  The author talks about women who are “Bossy Ladies” or “Money Detectives” or “Bait & Switchers.”  Yes, you may be one of these things, but you are not going to be all of them.  So if you buy this book, you will probably find a few pages that pertain to you, but the rest will be on other women you know, like your best friend Sue, or your cousin Beth, and do you really want to read about them?

Yes, I know it’s a part of life.  As my editor put it, the world is full of idea-stealers, and there isn’t much you can do about it.  Just needed to vent for a minute. Ok, I’m better.  Thanks for listening.

For more information on You Lost Him at Hello or author Jess McCann, check out www.jessmccann.com