I’ve been date coaching for many years now.  I’ve talked to hundreds of women and doled out tons of advice.  I’ve told them how to use their SEE factor, how to gauge interest, and in some cases, how to just move on.  All of them have been quite appreciative, however, not all of them have turned their situation around.  Me being a perfectionist really grappled with this.  I want every woman I speak with to have long lasting results, not just short-term improvement.  At first I thought, is it me? Am I not explaining myself well?  Am I not getting through to these ladies but they’re too polite to say so? When an old client of mine came back earlier this year after reverting to her old lascivious ways, I worried that I was not being as effective as I could be.  I continued to read, research and learn my craft.  And then it dawned on me.  I’m only half of the equation.  I can lead the proverbial horse to water, but I can’t make it stop dating an asshole.  As much as I want to help, I can’t want change more than my clients do.  I can only give them the road map.  It’s up to them to follow the directions.

I have said it so many times but I will say it again.  Dating takes discipline. It’s like dieting at times.  You have to fight the urges and cravings on a daily basis.  Just as bagels and ice cream can wreck havoc on your figure, spending the night too soon can seriously damage your chances for a relationship.  But it’s not all about will power and self control.  I’ve seen some very disciplined women still make bad moves.  When it comes down to what makes one person swim, while another one sinks, it’s all about their student mentality.

Life is not a chick flick.  Love doesn’t happen like the movies.  The people that find it, keep it, and stay married for many, many years are the people that invest time into learning about themselves, their partner and their relationship.  If you really want to get good at love, you have to school yourself on it.  You can’t expect to be an ace at relationships without any sort of education.  True, some people are naturally blessed in the romance department, just as some people are gifted pianists, or outstanding cooks.  For the rest of us though, we need to learn these skills.  The more we learn, the better we get.

When was the last time you picked up a book about relationships? When was the last time you went to a lecture, consulted a coach, or took a class about dating? Chances are, you probably think you’ve been investing time into love, but searching Match.com profiles is not what I’m talking about.  It does no good to find the guy, if you don’t know what to do once you get him.

My client, Julie (not her real name,) is a stunner.  Men zero in on her the minute she enters a room.  She’s got tons of charisma and knows how to flirt like a pro.  She never has a shortage of dates.  But Julie cannot hold down a boyfriend from more than three months. Three months and the guy moves on to someone else. When she decided to sign up for date consulting, she was 31 years old and void of all hope that she would ever marry.

“I don’t know why I am so unlucky in love,” she told me.  “Nothing ever works out for me.  I meet guys all the time.  You would think at least one would turn into something, but it never does.” Julie was baffled.  Her friends told her she was cursed.  Her mom told her she was too pretty and intimidating. Her Dad said she was picking the wrong guys.

The truth is, Julie’s big problem was actually fear.  Deep down, she was terrified she would end up alone.  Whenever she started dating someone, she immediately began treating them as if they were her boyfriend. She would assume “this is it” with every guy she met.  She assumed they were in love with her because they had asked for her phone number.  She assumed they wanted to spend all their time with her, without really even knowing her.

Julie had no idea that she was unconsciously sabotaging her relationships. Once we pinpointed the problem, Julie’s work was just beginning.  Today, she has to constantly work at keeping her fear at bay.  It’s not easy to do, but she has a plan in place and is working on it.  Without identifying this problem and working at the solution daily, Julie would keep dating the way she always had, and getting the results she always got.

Since this is February, most of us will undoubtedly be thinking about love.  With the upcoming holiday approaching, do something different this year.  Instead of sitting around with your girlfriends complaining about men and why they are the way they are, go to the bookstore and pick up a book.  Learn something new.  Go to one of the many events that are geared towards dating.  Consult a dating coach, or hire a matchmaker.  Love is the byproduct of a meaningful relationship.  Wouldn’t it make sense to brush up on your interpersonal communication? Wouldn’t you want to put some time into learning about the opposite sex?  If you spend time educating yourself on love, you may be surprised how fast you go from a C-  to an A +.

If you want to get better at relationships, contact Jess McCann for a one-on-0ne date consulting session.  If you live in the DC area, make sure you attend to the Pre-Valentines day event on Feb. 10th 2010.

Jess McCann is a dating coach and author of the hit book, “You Lost Him at Hello.” Is is also a contributing blogger for Washington Life Magazine.

What does Bachelor Jake Pavelka see in Bachelorette, Vienna Girardi?

The women hate her.  I mean, with a passion.  She’s self-absorbed, boastful,  and at times, completely thoughtless.  So what is it about Vienna that keeps the roses coming? Week after week she moves on to the next round.  And to the shock and disgust of her roommates, Vienna’s bond with Jake only seems to be getting stronger.  She has already beaten out Elizabeth, the hot nanny, Corrie, the fashionista, and Kathryn, the cute-as-a-button flight attendant.  On paper (and on TV) each of these girls seem to have much more appeal than their conceited counterpart. Oh, and just a side note… I predict that Vienna will take out swimsuit model, Gia, next.  But enough fortune telling. What is the deal here? What are we missing? How is this chick – who is unemployed, spoiled, and not nearly as cute as the rest, winning over the bachelor? Why is it that Jake can’t see what we see?

Maybe the reason we can’t find the answer is because we are asking the wrong question.  Maybe we should be asking ourselves, what don’t we see that Jake clearly does.  What is it that we are so blind to that is keeping this guy so smitten? I mean, come on, have you seen Vienna’s introduction video?  It’s a sub par Paris Hilton imitation.  Vienna Video

But he likes her, and there are reasons why.  First off, have you met all the other contestants? One word describes most – boring.  The other girls just don’t have any pizazz.  Vienna is full of surprises and personality.  She’s a one woman show.  Entertaining, funny and intelligent.  While gorgeous Gia is biting her nails and asking for reassurance, Vienna is making jokes, smiling confidently, and asking Jake real questions.  This is a clear case of brains triumphing over beauty.

Also, Vienna takes charge.  Did you see her march down to Jake’s room last night, two glasses of wine in hand?  She’s a woman with a plan.  Gotta respect that.  True, he did send her back to her room, but her tenacity scored big points at the rose ceremony.  She edged out clean-cut Corrie and showed us that savvy can be hotter than sweet.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Vienna went home with the gold.  Or more accurately, the diamond.  Ignore for a second the “daddy’s girl” attitude, she’s got the edge that guys like (yes, men like edge too.)  In comparison to the rest of the remaining contestants, I think she’s got the best chance to go all the way.

The lesson of the day – you don’t have to be a swimsuit model to win over the man of your dreams.  In fact, you can be on a date with a swimsuit model and still win him over! You don’t need a perfect body, flawless face and pearly whites.  You just need that inner attitude.  Vienna is living proof of that.

If you feel like your inner attitude is lost and don’t get the attention you want from men, come to Party with a Purpose Feb 10th at Tattoo bar in DC, and seek Jess’ advice.  Jess will be answering dating questions all night, so come prepared with yours.

www.jessmccann.com

I got an email yesterday from a woman in Texas that was wrestling with her relationship.  She has been dating a guy for about six months and is becoming increasingly frustrated about where the relationship is going.  Here is a exert from her email:

“I can’t figure him out.  He tells me that he is not ready for a serious relationship.  He tells me that he needs his space, but at the same time he calls me throughout the week and we often spend at least one night together on the weekends.  I can’t tell if he is scared of getting hurt, or if he has commitment issues.  What he says and what he does are so conflicting that it’s driving me mad.  I don’t know what to do and talking to him about this only confuses me more.”

Question. How many women do you know that go on dates just for fun?  How many women do you know that continue to see a man that they don’t really like?  Probably not many.  If you are like most women, chances are the moment a guy asks for your phone number you start wondering, could this guy be the one? We date with a purpose.  Or at least most of us do.  We date to find that partner for life, that husband to love us, that father for our children.  Rarely do we date just to date.  Guys on the other hand…

True, there are those men out there that are solely interested in long term commitment right off the bat.  There are always exceptions to every rule, so please hear me when I caveat what I’m about to say.  Most guys do not go out on a first date and think, could she be the one?  More often than not they are thinking about what it would be like to kiss you.  They wonder what you are all about and if your personalities will click.  They are thinking about what comes next.  They don’t daydream ten years down the line. They don’t fantasize about what your children will look like. At least not on a first date.

This is important to keep in mind because going one step further, most women think, “if he’s not interested in marrying me, he’d break it off with me,”  and that is just not always the case.  Men, as I outlined above, don’t always think the way we do.  I’ve known men that have kept women around for years with no intention of marrying them.  I’ve had guy friends tell me, “I like her, but she’s not the one.” I can name a hundred different scenarios where men will keep dating someone that they don’t see themselves committing to.  I call these women the “good-for-now” girlfriends.

G-F-N girlfriends are just that – good for right now.  Maybe the guy is traveling a lot and needs someone to hang out with when he comes back to town.  He’s too busy to put too much thought into dating, so he sticks with who’s he’s comfortable with.  It’s easy, he likes her, but will he marry her? No.  Eventually when she pressures him enough, he’ll crack and break it off.  Is this fair? He thinks so.   After all, he did tell her upfront he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.

It would be great if all men and women were honest with their feelings.  We’d all probably find our happily ever after a lot faster that way. But the truth is we aren’t always truthful and forthcoming.  The truth is we sometimes put our own feelings ahead of the other persons.  I experienced this first hand with a relative of mine that was dating a woman he didn’t see a future with.  He dated her for three years!  Three years with no intention of marrying her or even fully committing to her.  How could he do this? How could he waste her time? Very easily, I would say.  He told her all along that he was commitment-phobic and unsure about marriage.  He told her he liked her very much and wanted to spend time with her, but needed his space.  In his eyes he was honest and upfront with her, even though he was seeing her twice a week and spending the holidays with her, he didn’t feel guilty because he told her what to expect.

Scary if you are a woman.  Scary to think you could be in a relationship with someone at this very moment and not know what’s going on in your man’s head.  Scary to think maybe you are a good-for-now-girlfriend.  But just knowing that this is possible, should make you all the more wiser.  Just knowing that a man can date you without real purpose, should give you the gumption to walk away if you’re feeling frustrated.  You want and deserve to be more than a good-for-nower.  You deserve forever.

If you are worried about where your relationship is going, contact Jess about a personal date consulting session. Jess will be able to tell you how to interpret his words and actions so you don’t risk being a good-for-now-girl too.  Also check out her book, “You Lost Him at Hello.”

You’ve probably heard by now about Heidi Montag’s ten hour body and facial renovation.  If you haven’t, you can read about it in just about any tabloid mag.  In November she underwent major plastic surgery.  Ten hours under the knife to correct her chin, ears, eyebrows, already augmented breasts, and a variety of other alleged imperfections .  All together she spent an estimated 30,000 dollars and to be honest, she looks the same to me.

Since this story broke it really made me think about women these days and how obsessed we can be when it comes to our appearance.  In general, we pour a lot of money, time, and energy into our physique.  When was the last time you’ve spent less than 3-4 hours and $200 at a hair salon? And you have to go every six to eight weeks or your hair starts to look unwashed.  But that’s just the standard.  What about those of us that spend thousands of dollars each year on designer clothes, shoes, and handbags?  Or religiously schedule routine botox and collagen injections?  In general the female population in America is really, really focused on looking good.  I’m not judging or saying it’s a bad thing, I freak out myself if I have a bad hair day, but here is one thing I want all women to think about: while we are spending so much time and energy on the outside, what is happening to the inside?  When do we put time and money into making the inside of us as beautiful and interesting?  In the long run, your personality, sense of humor and intelligence is what makes or breaks you as a person.  It is what will stay with you throughout the years.  While your skin will sag, hair will thin, and metabolism will slow, the inside of you can be as attractive at 70 as it was at 30… if you let it.

Pretty faces are a dime a dozen in most towns.  But what is rare is a woman with a wicked sense of humor.  A girl that can beat you at pool.  A lady that is as smart as she is sexy.  I remember being in college and going to a party where someone had broken out a guitar.  A few guys toyed around with it and tried playing a few songs when two girls walked by.  One of them insisted the guys give her friend the guitar, saying she knew how to play.  The friend shook her head and refused at first, but after some coaxing she sat down and began to play.  To say she blew everyone away was an understatement.  This girl could really play.  The guys were awestruck.  Suddenly this chick was the hottest girl in the room.  She only played for five minutes but she was the belle of the ball for the next five hours.

If you are single and ready to settle down, the best piece of advice I can give you is to spend less time trying to compete physically with all the other women in the world, and focus on what makes you different on the inside.  Any man that marries you based on your looks will only trade you for a younger model down the road.  What will keep your relationship strong and solid is mutual respect.  And although most guys can appreciate a nice rack, it’s not enough to sustain the long haul.

Next time you are headed to the mall because you need a new outfit,  check out the Barnes & Noble instead of Dolce & Gabbana. Instead of spending an hour at Nail Love, spend that hour practicing piano.  What sets you apart and makes you different is what makes you the most attractive.  So in between a wax and a tan, make sure you also log some time into making yourself better on the inside.  I guarantee it will pay off a lot more in the long run.

To learn more about Jess and her dating techniques, visit www.jessmccann.com For a personal date consulting session, contact her at coach@jessmccann.com.

Last week I was talking to a client of mine that had recently started dating someone new.  Lacey met Conner in one of her graduate classes and became instantly smitten.  After a few weeks of flirting, he finally asked her out.  On their first date they went to dinner and had a great time.  They drank wine, talked about a variety of different topics, and Lacey felt like they were really connecting.  After dinner Conner asked if she wanted to continue to hang out back at his place.  Feeling like this wasn’t really a first date, as they had known each other for a few weeks now, Lacey agreed.  They continued their wine and worldly conversation in the comfort of Conner’s living room.

It didn’t take long for Conner to make his move.  Having Lacey in his apartment gave him the green light to go in for the kiss.  Lacey, of course, welcomed it.  The butterflies in her stomach told her that she was definitely falling for him.  After a few minutes of serious kissing, a red warning flag went off in her head.  Slow down or this is going to go too far, she thought.  She came up for air and smiled sweetly at Conner.  “I think we should take a little break, don’t you” she said.  Conner laughed.  “If that is what you want, okay.” He sat up on the couch and put a little distance between them.  Feeling like he may have taken the comment as a blow off, Lacey reiterated, “I had a really good time tonight.  I think I may like you… a lot.” Connor raised his eyebrows in surprise and moved closer, “Me too.  I just want you to know that I’m not a normal guy.  I don’t date,” he said.  With that he leaned in and kissed her again.

The next day Lacey called and told me the whole story.  “I had so much fun last night but when he said, ‘I’m not a normal guy. I don’t date’ I was completely thrown off! What do you think that meant? Did he mean that he just wanted to sleep with me and not date? Or did he mean he doesn’t date around?  I am so confused by his statement! I want a relationship and I don’t want to waste my time if he doesn’t.  Do you know what he meant?”

This isn’t the first time a woman has asked me to interpret something a guy has said.  In fact, I get asked this question all the time. And in the occasions where I don’t get asked, the woman often takes it upon herself to attribute her own meaning to this sort of statement.  Quite honestly I have no idea what Conner meant. I have never met him, don’t know his personality and couldn’t tell you what he meant by “I am not a normal guy – I don’t date.” That could mean a thousand different things.  It could mean he doesn’t like to date and just wants to have sex.  It could also mean that he doesn’t like dating in general and prefers the comfort of a relationship. But then again, it could also mean that he never dates because he’s too picky and hasn’t found anyone he likes (which is why he caveated that he’s not normal.) The list goes on and on.

If you have ever found yourself in a situation like this, there is something you can do.  Just as I told Lacey, when a guy says something and you don’t know what he means, just ask him “what do you mean?”  It sounds so simple and even silly to be telling you this, but a lot of women are almost afraid to ask this question. Like you should know and understand him completely from day one.  But the truth is it takes a long time to get to know someone and even when you’ve been dating for a while, you will still have miscommunications about things from time to time.  What he says and what you understand him to actually be saying can be very different.

So, when in doubt, ask.  All it takes is a simple, “what do you mean?” Let him clarify for you instead of trying to guess!  Guessing is dangerous and most likely you would be wrong anyway.  Not because you aren’t smart enough to figure it out, but because people (in this case men) often think they are being clear when in fact, they aren’t. So don’t feel like you should know what he means. Don’t feel silly for asking him to explain himself further. You will see that a lot of time and energy is saved this way. Now if you don’t want to know what he means because you may not like the answer, that’s a different story…

If you are having trouble understanding the guy you are dating, contact Jess for a personal dating consultation.  Or check out her website at www.jessmccann.com

If you haven’t heard by now, Erik and I got engaged over the holidays!  I am over the moon and can’t believe how lucky I am!!!
Of course, it’s not ALL about luck.  I consciously decided in January 2008 to follow all my own advice (to the tee) so that I could find him.  I Prospected, used my SEE factors, and ended dates at the Height of Impulse.  Nine months later it paid off!  I met Erik and now we are engaged and getting married this fall

Check out the story of our engagement in the Washington Times.

So, in my moment of engagement-elation, I have decided to run another coaching promotion.  It’s January and time for resolutions!  I want you to make 2010 the year you find your future husband!  If I can do it, you can too.  Together we will find him and next year you could be planning your upcoming wedding.

If you have never tried coaching, now is the time to do it.  If you want something in your life to change, you have to actively change it yourself.  So here is the deal:

Email promotion – This promotion is for ten emails.  You can email me ten emails this month (up to 600 words) and I will email you ten back.  We will talk about whatever you want to talk about.  Do you have a guy now that you can’t figure out?  Are you on and off with your current boyfriend and not sure where your relationship is going?  Are you completely single and ready for some serious dating?  Let’s talk about it and game plan how to make 2010 the best year yet!!!

I am so excited for this new year and want to help you in any way I can.  The great thing about working with a coach is that they can see things you can’t.  Even your friends and family, although they have good intentions, are sometimes just too close to see the big picture of your relationship. Coaches are unbiased.  They pull from experience.  They work with you in order to create an action plan so you make things happen for yourself.  You will have the entire month to use your ten emails, but they will expire Feb 1st.  So don’t waste one single day.  Sign up now.  You have the flexibility to email everyday for two weeks, or here and there over the course of a month.  It’s all up to you.  Take it from the most skeptical person out there -  true love does exist and you can make it happen!!

For pricing and promotional details, email me at coach@jessmccann.com

OMG.  I’m engaged.  I know people get engaged everyday but for me this is truly extraordinary.  I know I probably shouldn’t sound so shocked, in fact, some of you may even wonder how I can so confidently advise other women on how to find and keep a man if I didn’t think I was going to do it myself – but let me explain.  I was never that girl growing up that dreamed about her wedding day.  I never draped a pillow case over the back of my head and paraded around the living room pretending to be a bride.  My approach to love has always been more… realistic.  Which in some ways is good.  It led me to the discovery that sales techniques could be applied to dating, which both empowered me and allowed me to have healthy, positive relationships.  It led to writing my book, “You Lost Him at Hello” and that, of course, led to a satisfying career as a dating coach.  Those are the positives.  The negatives would be that I realized that I was a stubborn, critical, and abnormally picky person.  I realized that relationships, no matter how symbiotic, are going to always include compromise.  Most importantly, I realized “’til death do us part” is a long, long commitment to make.  The truth is, I was very comfortable telling everyone else how to get married, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it myself…

Until now.

I remember every moment about the night I first met Erik.  I remember talking to him for all of thirty seconds when this light bulb went off in my head.  There is something about this guy, I thought.  After knowing him only a week, I texted my best friend in San Diego and told her, “I think I just found my future husband.”

You know how most women say, ‘My husband is nothing like who I thought I would marry.’  Well, it’s completely eerie to say this, but Erik is exactly who I had been looking for my whole life.  It’s as though I concocted him in my head and God said, “Here you go!”  I told myself many years ago that I would roll solo through life rather than settle, and quite frankly when I hit thirty, I thought that would be my path.  But in January of 2008 I took some advice that changed that plan.

I was driving with my mother on that day, talking about the new year, and what we had to look forward to.  We drove through a nice neighborhood and stopped at a corner to let a woman cross the street.  I looked to my left and saw these kids playing outside with their dog.  I saw their mom and dad standing in the front door with their arms around each other watching them play. I turned to my mother at that moment and said, “I want that.” For the first time in my life I realized how much I wanted to find that one person to share my life and raise a family with.  I also realized that what I was doing wasn’t getting me any closer to having it.  Up until that point, I had been so focused on my career and other people’s relationships, that I wasn’t really putting enough effort into my own.  So at that exact moment I decided to take some of my own advice.  I decided to follow all the rules and principles outlined in my book.  If I was telling other women how to find and keep the man of their dreams, why couldn’t I do it myself?  On that day I made a promise.  I promised to follow my own advice to the tee and pray that what I told others to do, would also work for picky, critical, commitment-phobic me.

Nine months after making that promise, I met my future husband.  Fifteen months later, we are engaged.  I wake up every morning and think I’m truly the luckiest girl in the world.  Actually, I take that back.  Although I feel lucky to have found my One, I know that it wasn’t just luck.  Had I not taken action and followed my book, the life I have now would absolutely not exist. I have to say it’s only because I made this promise to myself that this happened.  Had I just continued to do what I had always done before, I wouldn’t be getting married right now.  But I followed every method, rule, and axiom with precision.  I went prospecting, even when I wanted to stay home on my couch.  I practiced my SEE factor, even when I didn’t particularly think it was working, and I used my icebreakers which is what ultimately allowed me to meet Erik in the first place (yes, I talked to him first.)  I also ended my dates with Erik at the Height of Impulse, even when I wanted to spend all my time with him.

I appreciate everyone’s well wishes for Erik and me. I hope those ladies out there that are single and looking for love find a renewed hope that this could be your year too!  Take matters into your own hands.  Doing the exact same thing you did last year will only get you where you are right now.  It’s time to change the game plan and do the necessary things to make it happen for yourself.  If I can do it, you can too.  I may sound like I am totally plugging my own book here, but it’s only because I know with 100% certainty that it works.  You don’t have to buy it, you can borrow your friends copy or get it from the library.  Just make sure you read it so that you can find your special someone and make your dream a reality too.

Make 2010 the year you find love! If you are tired of being single, try personal date consulting with Jess today. Together you can find the one for you too! Visit her website at www.jessmccann.com

To read our engagement story, check out the Washington Times article.

The setting is ideal.  You want to meet a guy, so you go to a place that has a variety of men packed into 2000 square feet.  All single, all looking, all ready to buy you a drink and get to know you. On paper it would seem that a bar or club is an ideal place to meet someone. However, we all know the reality of this situation.

Just yesterday I received an email from a client who had met a guy at a club over the weekend.  He was tall, and cute with the most adorable British accent. (Man, those accents are hard to resist.) They talked and laughed, and drank and danced.  She was interested, he was mesmerized.  He asked for her number, she gladly obliged.  A seemingly perfect first meeting.

Then my client caught this guy making out with some random girl by the bathroom.

Yet another example of how bars and clubs are not good places to meet your next boyfriend.  But wait a minute, I met my boyfriend at a bar!  And my boyfriend, sorry to brag for a sec, is the cutest, smartest, most wonderful person I’ve ever met.  So how can bars be all that bad?

The truth is that you absolutely can meet the love of your life at a bar or club. Yes, you can.  I’m living proof of it.  So it’s not the venue itself that is the problem.  There are just a couple of rules that you have to apply when you are out on the scene to up your chances of meeting a good guy and reduce the risk of attracting a bad one.

First off, timing is everything. Remember the movie Gremlins?  The number one rule for caring for the cuddly creatures was to never feed them after midnight.  After midnight the perfect pet turned into a mini Cujo.  Well, the same goes for guys.  Depending on what time you are out on the scene will determine what kind of guy you are going to find once you’re there. If you are on the prowl starting at ten p.m. and going until three in the morning, don’t be surprised if you constantly meet flakes, drunks and professional partiers.  If, however, you hit the bars/clubs for happy hour (anytime between 5-10 pm) you are more likely to meet a good, quality guy.  The reason is simple.  Guys that call it a night before ten, do so because they are serious about their lives.  They have good jobs and don’t want to risk being hung over for work the next day.  They would rather get up early, go for a run, catch up on the news, and get a head start on the day rather than sleep until noon.  These are the guys that make good boyfriends.

Secondly, beware of Barney Stinson. If you haven’t watched How I met your mother, then get out from under your rock and go set your tivo right now.  Barney Stinson is the womanizing Lothario that loiters his local bar, McClarens,  scoping out the ladies, and targeting his next score. He’s there every night (yes even during happy hours).  He is a denizen.  A regular.  A fixture, if you will.  He is also to be avoided.  If you come across a guy that claims the bar you are in is his modern day “Cheers,” then you should pay your tab and be on your way. (Or have him pay your tab and be on your way, either way don’t stick around and get to know him.)  Men that hang out at bars so frequently they have a “regular booth” or worse, and entree named after them, are not marriage material.  One of my friends learned this the hard way.  When she met her boyfriend at McCormick & Shmick’s ten years ago he was there so often he was invited to their company Christmas party.  She married him anyway, against all advice from her friends and family, and ten years later is now divorced.  That’s not the worst part of it though.  The worst part is that not only did she waste the best ten years of her life, she wasted them in agony.  She was always waiting for him to come home, wondering where he was (even though she knew), and fighting with him to stop going out.  She was constantly alone, frustrated and angry.

At first it could seem an attractive quality – a guy that everyone knows and is treated like royalty whenever he makes an appearance.  He doesn’t have to wait in line to get in, gets his drinks for free, and knows the bartenders first and last names… but this is not what you want in a boyfriend.

Not all clubs are created equal. Just because one place doesn’t yield good results, doesn’t mean the place next door will do the same.  Choose your venue wisely.  If you want to meet someone and have it develop into something long term, go to places where you can actually have a conversation without having to scream over the music.  Places with loud music, smoke machines and fancy lighting tend to attract the party-going types.  Likewise, bars that are rowdy, noisy and crowded will make meeting someone all the more difficult.  Try bars that are in nicer restaurants or even in an upscale hotel.  I’m can’t promise you will always meet stand-up guys there, but your chances will be better and you will be able to weed out the creeps faster!

To sum it up, can you meet a good guy in a bar? Yes.  I did and you can too.  But you have to know when, how, and what to look for.  A lot of the above scenarios happen more frequently when you are between the ages of 18-28.  Rightfully so.  When you are young, you act young, and there is nothing wrong with that!  Don’t be surprised that the twenty-two year old hottie from Capitol Hill frequents Fly Lounge every weekend and stays out until 4 a.m.  He’s twenty-two. What do you expect?  As guys grow up, they grow out of things… most of the time.

There are many other signs you should be aware of while out prospecting.  If you want to know more you can read about it in my book, “You Lost Him at Hello” or contact me about one-on-one date coaching.

It’s baffled women across the globe.  We have racked our brains, asked our friends, and even consulted a professional.  But no matter what we do, it seems we will never truly know why that cute single guy we met last week, who asked for our number, and seemed so interested, never called.

Until now.

Yes, I have the answer.  I’m not kidding.  I actually feel a little silly that it took this long to figure it out.  Especially being that the it’s something that I’ve always known but never made the connection.  So without further adieu, here it is.  The reason behind the “Can I get your number and never call you.”

To understand this phenomenon, I want you to imagine you are Christmas shopping for a nice little gift for yourself.  Yes, you have been good this year and you are allowing yourself one present.  So you go to Nordstrom and you see these cute shoes that will go perfectly with your New Years Eve dress.  You try them on and they look even better on your feet!  You walk around testing them out.  You love them. You are happy you have finally found your Christmas present.  You look over at the line and see that it is out of control.  Ugh.  The holiday season.  You ask the saleswoman to hold on to the shoes so you can shop around a bit more and wait for the line to die down.

You leave the store and head straight to Starbucks to grab a drink.  You head into a few other stores.  Nothing too exciting.  You keep going.  Finally an hour passes and you find yourself at the opposite end of the mall.  Your feet hurt from all the walking. Your caffeine has worn off and you sit down on one of the couches outside Urban Outfitters.  The mall is going to close in thirty minutes. Should you walk all the way back to Nordstrom to get your shoes?  It seems miles away now.  Your car is right outside the door.  You don’t want to walk all the way back to Nordstorm and then all the back to your car here.  You could drive back to Nordstorm, but then you’d have to find parking all over again and it was such a pain in the ass this afternoon.  Suddenly your phone rings and it’s your BFF.  You tell her your shoe dilemma.  She says, “Why don’t you just borrow my Manolo’s for New Years?” You think about it.  Not a bad idea.  You’d save money, not have to walk or drive back to Nordstrom, and you’d be wearing shoes that are new to you.  “Okay,” you tell her.  And with that, you’ve abandoned the shoes you promised to buy.

Just as you talked yourself out of buying those shoes, time and time again, men talk themselves out of calling women.  They have the same dialogue going on in their heads — I could call her, but it is so much easier not to.  If I call her, what would I say? What if she doesn’t call me back?  Was she really that interested anyway?  Plus my ex girlfriend called me last night and I could just call her instead.  That would be easier.  What seems like such a good idea at the time, often becomes less of a good idea the more you think about it.

You cannot and should not take it personally when a guy you just met doesn’t call you.  Who knows what the reason is, but if you just met him, there is no possible way the reason is you.  He doesn’t know you so how can he reject you? What tends to happen is just what I stated above.  When we are in the moment we are on a high.   Adrenaline is pulsing through our veins and emotion is overriding all other factors.  However, once the high dies down and you are away from the situation, logic sets in. You start to second guess yourself.  You start to talk yourself out of things.  You get distracted with other priorities, and then what you had planned and promised to do gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

So don’t despair that the guy you met last night didn’t follow up on that phone call he promised.  It has nothing to do with you this time around. Go buy yourself some shoes and you will feel better

If you want a one-on-one consultation with Jess McCann, author of “You Lost Him at Hello” check out her website at www.jessmccann.com and email her for details!

Hi Ladies (and the few gents that also read);

I’m running a holiday coaching promotion this month as a way to thank those of you that have coached with me in the past and encourage those of you that haven’t done coaching yet, to try it.

We all know that you get better results when you work with a professional.  If you wanted to get in the best shape of your life, you could do it alone, but you are almost guaranteed to work off the weight if you hire a trainer. If you wanted to do better in school, you could do it alone, but you’d get better grades if you hired a tutor. The same goes for dating.  If you want this next year to be the year that you find the guy for you (or maybe you’ve found him and don’t want to lose him) then it’s time to get professional guidance.  Why do it alone if you don’t have to? Why risk making a huge mistake and scaring him off?  If you’ve suffered from a string of ill-fated relationships, let’s figure out what’s happening together and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

From now until December 25th I am offering email coaching for a discounted rate.  If you are interested in this promotion, please contact me immediately at coach@jessmccann.com.  I offered this promotion to some of my existing clients/book fans yesterday and several have signed up already.  Because there is only one me and I write all the emails, I will only be able to take on three more clients.  Then I will be on hiatus from Dec 25- Jan 2.

Feel free to email with questions.  How does coaching work? What are the guidelines? Anything you can think of.  Also you can still sign up for a phone session, if you prefer that instead.  Hope to hear from you soon!

Happy Holidays!

Jess

Be sure to visit www.jessmccann.com for updates.