Last month my fiance had to go out of town for business.  It was going to be a longer trip than usual because he had to fly overseas.  So he said to me the night before he left, “Let’s go out to dinner.  You pick the place.  Anywhere you want to go.”  I was excited and knew exactly where I wanted to eat.  There is a fabulous Chinese restaurant a few miles from our house that has the best Peking duck.  You have to make a reservation to get in, but because we had such a busy day that day, we didn’t get around to it.  How bad could it be on a Sunday night anyway? Turns out, pretty bad.

We put our name on the list at 7pm.  We waited with about fifty other people in the crowded lobby area.  Names were called, people squeezed by, and one by one everyone else got seated.  At 7:45 my stomach got angry at me. I asked the hostess how much longer.  She just smiled and said, “very soon.”

But thirty minutes after that, we were still waiting.  Other parties that arrived then had reservations and were ushered past us.  I was so famished at that point I caught myself giving them dirty looks.  Erik looked at me at one point and said, ” Maybe we should just go across the street to the Thai place.”

I suddenly became a crazed person consumed with hunger and fatigue.  “No!” I practically screamed. “We waited this long!  I’m having Peking duck.  We are eating here!!”

After almost an hour and forty minutes of waiting,  we were finally seated.  I had my delicious meal and rolled myself out the door when it was over.  I got what I wanted.  I stuck it out and made it happen.  I went home feeling with a sense of pride from not giving up.

Then at three o’clock in the morning, I woke up feeling sicker than I had in a long time.  After all that I went through to get my damn Peking duck, I had to go throw it up now to feel better.

As I sat on my bathroom floor I wondered if maybe God or the Universe was trying to tell me something.  Maybe all that waiting was for a reason. Maybe I was not supposed to eat at that restaurant.  Maybe a higher power was telling me, Jess, go eat at the Thai place across the street.  You will thank me later. But I didn’t listen. I had  invested so much time into waiting to eat at my favorite Chinese place that I didn’t want to give up and start over somewhere else.  In fact, the longer I waited, the more adamant I became about eating there.

It dawned on me after the second hour on the bathroom floor that how I felt about dinner that night was how some women feel about their relationships.  Women invest a lot of time and energy into the man they love and when things start falling apart, they have just as hard of a time walking away as I did.  They refuse to give up because they have already come so far.  They have dated this man for a year or two and feel that if they can just make it over this last hump, they will be home free. Give up now? After all this time? Go back to square one and start over from scratch? No! They push forward as I did.  They try to hold it together.  But as I learned several hours post dinner, sometimes you should give up.  Luckily all I suffered was a bit of food poisoning. But if you try to make a relationship work that isn’t supposed to, you will be suffering from a lot worse than that. You could marry the wrong person, end up in a loveless marriage, be divorced at forty-seven with three kids and no career.  Your husband could have left you for his young assistant who’s vacationing with him in Maui at this very moment. If that happens, won’t you have wished you just moved on to the next guy?

Try to keep the big picture in mind.  Yes, it’s disheartening to waste a year or two on someone and have it not work out.  But you are going to live many, many years hopefully, and it’s much better to waste a year or two dating than ten or twenty in a bad marriage.  And if you marry the wrong guy for you, that’s exactly what you will get.  A bad marriage.

It’s not always about trying harder, being more flexible, or seeing his side.  Sometimes it’s about listening to your friends, your family, and most of all, that voice you’ve buried deep down inside you that says you deserve better than this.  DON’T ignore that voice.  Or you could end up worse than on the bathroom floor.  You could end up in divorce court, seeing your kids only half the time, working a job you hate, and back on the market at fifty.  The decisions you make right now, today, can and will effect you years down the line.  So don’t force something to work if it doesn’t.  Be strong enough to just move on.

If you need help moving on from someone, or wonder if there is a chance to repair the relationship you have now, contact Jess for a personal date coaching session at www.jessmccann.com

I was contacted by a casting assistant at the CW network yesterday that is looking for women for a new show.  I’m posting her email below and as you are reading and learning exactly what she is looking for you may think, “Oh that’s not me“, but I encourage you to be open minded and think to yourself, “if this isn’t me now, could this be me down the line?“  Granted no one wants to think of themselves as an Alcoholic or Sex Addict, but this may be a good way to get free therapy!

Dear Jess,

I am a TV Casting Assistant for a new reality docu-series that will air on the CW network-  check us out: www.cwsecrets.com.

Our series will look at the many issues that women struggle with today, including: eating disorders, sexual addiction, repressed rage, self-injury, obsession with plastic surgery and the challenges of a shopaholic. Each hour will explore one issue in dramatic depth. The story will be told from your perspective, in your words, as your life.

I was wondering if you could pass along our information to any women you may know that struggle with body image issues and/or obsession with plastic surgery. Our email is casting@cwsecrets.com.
Here is our Facebook group!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/CW-Secrets/129141974718?ref=ts

Thanks, Ameila

If you are tired of being single, or constantly being told, “I’m just not ready to commit” then contact Jess McCann for a personal date coaching session.  Or order “You Lost Him at Hello” now on Amazon or pick it up at any bookstore.

I had an interesting conversation this weekend with a friend of mine.  We were coming home from a wedding shower, and as we were weaving through the city, we began to discuss the topic of, what else, relationships.  More specifically, the bad ones. We began to chat about why people get into them, why they won’t get out of them, and how powerless we feel as friends watching the people we love slowly die inside because of them. There have been many times I’ve been confided in about a friends’ relationship, and it’s very difficult to hear how much of a selfish jerk a guy is one day, but such a sweetheart the very next.  Recently I’ve refrained from giving my two cents about anything unless asked. It does no good to speak out if the person is not ready to listen.  The writing is on the wall and me reading it to them just doesn’t seem to make any impact.  Speaking of writing…

As this friend and I sat in traffic, she started telling me an interesting story about her cousin, Amy.  Amy apparently fell in love and got married to a real asshole. She was twenty-four years old at the time.  He was a charmer, and very good looking, but he had a moody and depressed side that he often took out on her.  Whenever he was asked to do something out of his routine, he’d throw a tantrum and completely shut down.  He’d retreat into their bedroom, locking the door and ignoring her for days at a time.  He blew everything out of proportion and blamed Amy for being insensitive and selfish.  Every fight was turned around on her.  They of course had their good days, but they couldn’t go a stretch of two months without having a nuclear meltdown.

My friend tried to talk her cousin out of marrying this guy, but once she decided to take the plunge and do it anyway, my friend backed off completely and tried to be supportive.  Throughout the years she listened to her cousin rant one minute, but rave the next.  All the while keeping to herself, not saying a word, and trying to be optimistic.  Finally after five years of marriage, her cousin told her, out of the blue one day at lunch, that she was filing for divorce.

What or who finally convinced her to get out?  You may be surprised by the answer.  Since she was twelve, Amy had kept a diary.  For the last five years she had written in it less frequently than she used to, but tried to keep important thoughts and feelings documented throughout her life.  One night after a huge fight with her husband she sat down on her bed to record her feelings.  As she finished her final thoughts, she began flipping back through the previous pages.  What she read hit her like a ton of bricks.  The last one hundred and twenty pages were filled with nothing but sorrow.  She read the same words over and over again.  How he was mean, how he promised to be better, how she hoped he would be.  But sitting on her bed reading this after five years, she finally realized nothing would ever change.  He wouldn’t be better next time.  He’d be the same as he always was before, and it took her listening to her self for 124 pages to finally get that.

A lot of women have told me that giving birth is an excruciatingly painful experience, and if they didn’t forget what it was like over time, they probably wouldn’t have any more than just one child.  I think that we can apply this same theory to bad relationships.  After your boyfriend or husband tells you he’s sorry and makes amends with you, you begin to forget how awful he treated you and how hurt you were.  The memory of that pain dissipates and you are renewed with hope and possibility.  Until the next time…

This story of my friend’s cousin has given me a great idea.  Because most people turn a deaf ear to outside advice, what better idea is there than to keep a journal of your own relationship? That way instead of hearing your mom, best friend, or even  your dating coach tell you how bad things are, you can now hear it straight from the horses mouth (yes, the horse is you.)  We often don’t want to hear that we should leave someone we love, or that things will never change.  We want to disregard advice that tells us there is no hope.  But it’s different if you see and hear your own words over time and realize that you are in an unending cycle that keeps repeating itself. I now think keeping a diary is not only for nostalgia, but a powerful tool that can help you make good decisions in your life.

If you are currently in a volatile or unstable relationship (meaning one day everything is great, but the next day the sky is falling) then it may be time to start your own journal.  Start to write down your feelings and your thoughts about your significant other.  Keep track of the good and bad times.  Try to be specific because when you go back and read a year later, you will barely remember the experience.  I think this can be a very valuable tool for us women and will prompt us and encourage us to take more action when action is necessary. You may not like hearing your friends tell you he’s not the one for you, but you may just heed a warning coming from yourself.

For more advice on relationships, check out Jess McCann’s book You Lost Him at Hello, or sign up for a personal consulting session on www.jessmccann.com

By now we’ve all seen Tiger Woods‘ scripted apology to America.  Whether or not you took it as a heartfelt admission of wrong doing is completely up to you.  As I listened, I personally, wasn’t thinking about Tiger’s sincerity. I really didn’t care if he was full of remorse or regret. Instead I thought to myself, is there anything worse you can do to a woman than cheat on her and have unprotected sex with multiple women?  It’s pretty disgusting to think about the man you love banging a porn star without a condom and bringing that back to your bedroom.  I can only imagine how hurt, betrayed, and angry his wife is at this moment.  However, even as bad as this whole Tiger mess is, I actually don’t think it’s the worse thing a guy can do to you.

I know what you’re thinking.  What could be worse than being publicly humiliated and so utterly disregarded by your own husband?  Again, I do think what he did was not only awful, it’s unforgivable.  But I think if Elin wanted to, she could move on with her life.  I think she could make it on her own; raise her two kids,  find love again, and in the end, just be happy.  Tiger is a selfish a -hole, and she  knows it.  Like he said, none of this is her fault.  He’s the one to blame, and if they don’t work things out, Elin will walk away from this relationship with her head held high.

What’s worse than being cheated on?

I think the worst thing a guy can do to you is break your spirit.  And it sometimes doesn’t take him doing something grandiose like sleeping with half the country to do it.  I spoke to a client of mine this morning, who after five years with her husband, is now a shell of who she once was.  This client, who we will call Emily, was voted best-liked of her senior class. She was smart, fun and always greeted everyone with a smile.  She met Trevor in college and fell in love with him instantly.  She had that feeling in the pit of her stomach that had her believing he was the one.  As soon as they got engaged though, Trevor’s real personality began to emerge.  He had a horrible temper.  He was selfish and hated being asked to do anything that put him out.  He was only happy when he was doing what he wanted, like playing X Box and going out with the guys.  He spent most of his weekends working on his car or going hunting – his two great loves.  Anytime Emily brought up doing something she wanted, he’d snap at her and tell her to stop nagging him.  Eventually Emily got to the point where she was so afraid to say the wrong thing to Trevor that she hardly talked unless he spoke to her first. When Emily’s mother was diagnosed with cancer last year she asked Trevor if they could visit her together.  Trevor of course, came up with an excuse as to why he couldn’t go.  Emily went by herself and even had to take their dog on the trip too.  Trevor said it was too much of an inconvenience to walk and feed him.

When I asked Emily why she continues to stay, she simply says, “I love him.” She doesn’t realize that she’s become a different person because of this relationship.  A person who is afraid all the time.  A person that is extremely lonely.  A person that has no one to depend on.  She doesn’t realize that the little happiness that Trevor gives her, pales in comparison to the agony and dejection she deals with regularly.  She can’t leave him now.  She has no self worth or self confidence left.  He’s stolen it all.

While Tiger has certainly put his wife through hell, I think the worse thing a guy can do to you, is rob you of who you are.  I have a lot of women seek my advice about problems in their relationship, and they often ask, would you stay if you were me? I tell them I can’t answer that question because it doesn’t matter what I would do.  I’m not them.  What would break me, may only be a sprain to them.  What would wear on one person, may roll off the back of another.  It doesn’t matter what jerk thing your boyfriend or husband recently pulled on you, what matters is that you don’t let it eat away at the core of your being.  If it does, it’s time to go before it’s too late.

I’m all for trying to make it work with the one you love, especially if there are kids involved.  If you decide to keep working at your relationship, just be sure that it won’t be at your own expense.  You don’t want to wake up one day and realize that you are not the person you use to be.  You don’t want to give so much of yourself that there is virtually nothing left inside you.  At that point, who are you making happy? Who’s benefiting from your sacrifice? The guy over there? The one on his fourth beer and sixth game of Call of Duty? Think about it.

If you are unsure about your relationship and need Jess’s advice, sign up for a personal consulting session.

Last week I was contacted by Carolyne Zinko of the San Fransisco Chronicle.  She was doing another article on dating and asked me to give my two cents.  She also interviewed other relationship experts for their point of view, including America’s #1 Pick Up Artist, Adam Lyons (his advice should be interesting…)  I thought it would be great to share these pearls of wisdom with all of you.  We cover everything from how to flirt to how to move on. Enjoy!

How to find, keep, or ditch your Valentine. By Carolyne Zinko, San Francisco Chronicle.

It’s here again, that red-letter day that makes some of us joyful and others cringe: Valentine’s Day, a day to shower your mate with gifts and cards filled with sappy sentiments, or to sit home wallowing in self-pity because you’re dateless.

Named for a martyr, it’s thought that Valentine’s Day took on a Christian emphasis under Pope Gelasius in A.D. 498 to purify – or shift focus from – the Roman festival Lupercalia. According to HistoryChannel.com, the fest involved goat hides, blood and crop fields, but also a lottery in which young women placed their names in an urn and bachelors drew names out at random. The couple paired up for a year, unions that sometimes led to marriage.

Is modern-day mate finding any less a game of chance? We consider ourselves civilized these days, meeting people at health clubs, nightclubs or through online dating services, but even the best prospects don’t always jell. To help love hunters beat the odds, Style has culled advice from books, life coaches and even a pickup artist on how to find, keep or let go of your lover. If all else fails, make Valentine’s Day about love, not your lack of a love life, by showering your attention and appreciation on friends instead.

- Carolyne Zinko, czinko@sfchronicle.comRead more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/02/14/LVTL1BS4ON.DTL#ixzz0fjAXtJ8h

Don’t forget to attend Party with a Purpose tomorrow, Feb 17, 2010 at Tattoo Lounge in NW DC.  Also, be sure to contact Jess for a date consulting session if you need help finding, keeping or ditching your Valentine.

What we can all learn from Jenny Sanford.  It’s not as obvious as you think.

We’ve all heard the story.  Governor Mark Sanford cheated on his wife, Jenny, with his hot Latin lover from Argentina.  Now Jenny Sanford, who has recently penned a book about her marriage, admits there were some signs she chose to ignore that could have saved her this heartbreak.  I know when I first heard that the governor was opposed to the “vow of fidelity,” I immediately labeled Jenny Sanford as, well, an idiot.  How could she go through with the wedding knowing her future husband was not on board with forsaking all others? How could she not take this as a huge red flag that an affair was imminent? What in the world could have convinced her that marrying Mark Sanford was a good idea?

I will tell you what convinced her.  Mark Sanford.

If you listen to her interviews, Jenny Sanford will tell you that although Gov. Sanford did feel uncomfortable with the fidelity vow, he reassured her ten fold that he indeed wanted to marry her, raise kids with her, and would stay faithful to her (in so many words).  He told her she was “it” for him.  He tugged at her heartstrings and made her believe their marriage would last.  That they were meant to be.  That he truly, deeply, loved her.  So she married him.

Hindsight is, as they say, 20-20.  You can easily say she should have known her husband was going to cheat.  But how many times have you been in a relationship where the guy convinces you that you have nothing to worry about, despite having your doubts? How many times have you witnessed something that made you uneasy, but your boyfriends charm, charisma or seriously good looking mug, changed your mind? The thing is, Jenny Sanford is not an idiot.  She was a woman in love.  She didn’t disregard Mark Sanford’s concerns with fidelity, she confronted him about it.  They had long talks, they hashed it out.  In the end, she moved forward with the marriage because he put her fears to rest.

If you are dating a guy right now, there is something you can definitely learn from Jenny Sanford.  And that is that men don’t serve bad news straight up.  It’s always sugar coated.  It’s always with a twist.  Had Mark Sanford said, “I don’t think I can be faithful,” I believe Jenny would have called off the whole wedding right then and there.  But he didn’t say that.  Mostly because he hoped he could be true to her.  I’m sure he didn’t want to be a cheater, but deep down he knew he probably would be.  It plagued him.  It ate away at his conscious. But if he admitted that to her, he would have lost her.  So he voiced his concern, got it off his chest, and then tried to make her forget he said it.

Melanie Blanch, from Tampa Florida said Jenny Sanford helped stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life.  “I love my fiance.  He has always looked at other women though.  He’s cheated on me before, but reassured me that once we are married things will be different.  Now I know that “things” won’t be different.  Because “things” is him, and he won’t change.”

Melanie just called off her engagement last week.  Her fiance, of course, was upset, pissed off, and terribly embarrassed.  To ease his pain he went to the strip club last night.  “That’s how he has always dealt with problems,” says Melanie.  “I don’t know why I didn’t put more stock into his patterns.  He will always be a man that needs to be around other women.  Marriage wasn’t going to change that.  Despite how adamant he is that I’m the one, I know our marriage would be doomed.”

It’s very hard to make the right choice for yourself sometimes.  You may have your doubts about your relationship, but because your significant other is saying and doing the right things to ease your concerns, you feel better and trust things will turn out just fine.  But take this piece of advice : Let the voice in your head be louder than your man’s. Listen to his actions and his patterns, not just his words.  Words are easy to say and sometimes don’t have any truth behind them.  If you want to know if your husband will cheat on you, there is a good way to find out.  Ask him and listen to what he tells you the first time.  If he says he doesn’t want to say the vow of fidelity, believe that there is a reason behind it.  No matter how much he back peddles and tries to smooth things over, hear what he is saying the first time.  His first answer will always be the most truthful.

If you are worried about your partner cheating on you, contact Jess for a personal relationship consultation.  Be sure to also check out her website at www.jessmccann.com

I’ve been date coaching for many years now.  I’ve talked to hundreds of women and doled out tons of advice.  I’ve told them how to use their SEE factor, how to gauge interest, and in some cases, how to just move on.  All of them have been quite appreciative, however, not all of them have turned their situation around.  Me being a perfectionist really grappled with this.  I want every woman I speak with to have long lasting results, not just short-term improvement.  At first I thought, is it me? Am I not explaining myself well?  Am I not getting through to these ladies but they’re too polite to say so? When an old client of mine came back earlier this year after reverting to her old lascivious ways, I worried that I was not being as effective as I could be.  I continued to read, research and learn my craft.  And then it dawned on me.  I’m only half of the equation.  I can lead the proverbial horse to water, but I can’t make it stop dating an asshole.  As much as I want to help, I can’t want change more than my clients do.  I can only give them the road map.  It’s up to them to follow the directions.

I have said it so many times but I will say it again.  Dating takes discipline. It’s like dieting at times.  You have to fight the urges and cravings on a daily basis.  Just as bagels and ice cream can wreck havoc on your figure, spending the night too soon can seriously damage your chances for a relationship.  But it’s not all about will power and self control.  I’ve seen some very disciplined women still make bad moves.  When it comes down to what makes one person swim, while another one sinks, it’s all about their student mentality.

Life is not a chick flick.  Love doesn’t happen like the movies.  The people that find it, keep it, and stay married for many, many years are the people that invest time into learning about themselves, their partner and their relationship.  If you really want to get good at love, you have to school yourself on it.  You can’t expect to be an ace at relationships without any sort of education.  True, some people are naturally blessed in the romance department, just as some people are gifted pianists, or outstanding cooks.  For the rest of us though, we need to learn these skills.  The more we learn, the better we get.

When was the last time you picked up a book about relationships? When was the last time you went to a lecture, consulted a coach, or took a class about dating? Chances are, you probably think you’ve been investing time into love, but searching Match.com profiles is not what I’m talking about.  It does no good to find the guy, if you don’t know what to do once you get him.

My client, Julie (not her real name,) is a stunner.  Men zero in on her the minute she enters a room.  She’s got tons of charisma and knows how to flirt like a pro.  She never has a shortage of dates.  But Julie cannot hold down a boyfriend from more than three months. Three months and the guy moves on to someone else. When she decided to sign up for date consulting, she was 31 years old and void of all hope that she would ever marry.

“I don’t know why I am so unlucky in love,” she told me.  “Nothing ever works out for me.  I meet guys all the time.  You would think at least one would turn into something, but it never does.” Julie was baffled.  Her friends told her she was cursed.  Her mom told her she was too pretty and intimidating. Her Dad said she was picking the wrong guys.

The truth is, Julie’s big problem was actually fear.  Deep down, she was terrified she would end up alone.  Whenever she started dating someone, she immediately began treating them as if they were her boyfriend. She would assume “this is it” with every guy she met.  She assumed they were in love with her because they had asked for her phone number.  She assumed they wanted to spend all their time with her, without really even knowing her.

Julie had no idea that she was unconsciously sabotaging her relationships. Once we pinpointed the problem, Julie’s work was just beginning.  Today, she has to constantly work at keeping her fear at bay.  It’s not easy to do, but she has a plan in place and is working on it.  Without identifying this problem and working at the solution daily, Julie would keep dating the way she always had, and getting the results she always got.

Since this is February, most of us will undoubtedly be thinking about love.  With the upcoming holiday approaching, do something different this year.  Instead of sitting around with your girlfriends complaining about men and why they are the way they are, go to the bookstore and pick up a book.  Learn something new.  Go to one of the many events that are geared towards dating.  Consult a dating coach, or hire a matchmaker.  Love is the byproduct of a meaningful relationship.  Wouldn’t it make sense to brush up on your interpersonal communication? Wouldn’t you want to put some time into learning about the opposite sex?  If you spend time educating yourself on love, you may be surprised how fast you go from a C-  to an A +.

If you want to get better at relationships, contact Jess McCann for a one-on-0ne date consulting session.  If you live in the DC area, make sure you attend to the Pre-Valentines day event on Feb. 10th 2010.

Jess McCann is a dating coach and author of the hit book, “You Lost Him at Hello.” Is is also a contributing blogger for Washington Life Magazine.

What does Bachelor Jake Pavelka see in Bachelorette, Vienna Girardi?

The women hate her.  I mean, with a passion.  She’s self-absorbed, boastful,  and at times, completely thoughtless.  So what is it about Vienna that keeps the roses coming? Week after week she moves on to the next round.  And to the shock and disgust of her roommates, Vienna’s bond with Jake only seems to be getting stronger.  She has already beaten out Elizabeth, the hot nanny, Corrie, the fashionista, and Kathryn, the cute-as-a-button flight attendant.  On paper (and on TV) each of these girls seem to have much more appeal than their conceited counterpart. Oh, and just a side note… I predict that Vienna will take out swimsuit model, Gia, next.  But enough fortune telling. What is the deal here? What are we missing? How is this chick – who is unemployed, spoiled, and not nearly as cute as the rest, winning over the bachelor? Why is it that Jake can’t see what we see?

Maybe the reason we can’t find the answer is because we are asking the wrong question.  Maybe we should be asking ourselves, what don’t we see that Jake clearly does.  What is it that we are so blind to that is keeping this guy so smitten? I mean, come on, have you seen Vienna’s introduction video?  It’s a sub par Paris Hilton imitation.  Vienna Video

But he likes her, and there are reasons why.  First off, have you met all the other contestants? One word describes most – boring.  The other girls just don’t have any pizazz.  Vienna is full of surprises and personality.  She’s a one woman show.  Entertaining, funny and intelligent.  While gorgeous Gia is biting her nails and asking for reassurance, Vienna is making jokes, smiling confidently, and asking Jake real questions.  This is a clear case of brains triumphing over beauty.

Also, Vienna takes charge.  Did you see her march down to Jake’s room last night, two glasses of wine in hand?  She’s a woman with a plan.  Gotta respect that.  True, he did send her back to her room, but her tenacity scored big points at the rose ceremony.  She edged out clean-cut Corrie and showed us that savvy can be hotter than sweet.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Vienna went home with the gold.  Or more accurately, the diamond.  Ignore for a second the “daddy’s girl” attitude, she’s got the edge that guys like (yes, men like edge too.)  In comparison to the rest of the remaining contestants, I think she’s got the best chance to go all the way.

The lesson of the day – you don’t have to be a swimsuit model to win over the man of your dreams.  In fact, you can be on a date with a swimsuit model and still win him over! You don’t need a perfect body, flawless face and pearly whites.  You just need that inner attitude.  Vienna is living proof of that.

If you feel like your inner attitude is lost and don’t get the attention you want from men, come to Party with a Purpose Feb 10th at Tattoo bar in DC, and seek Jess’ advice.  Jess will be answering dating questions all night, so come prepared with yours.

www.jessmccann.com

I got an email yesterday from a woman in Texas that was wrestling with her relationship.  She has been dating a guy for about six months and is becoming increasingly frustrated about where the relationship is going.  Here is a exert from her email:

“I can’t figure him out.  He tells me that he is not ready for a serious relationship.  He tells me that he needs his space, but at the same time he calls me throughout the week and we often spend at least one night together on the weekends.  I can’t tell if he is scared of getting hurt, or if he has commitment issues.  What he says and what he does are so conflicting that it’s driving me mad.  I don’t know what to do and talking to him about this only confuses me more.”

Question. How many women do you know that go on dates just for fun?  How many women do you know that continue to see a man that they don’t really like?  Probably not many.  If you are like most women, chances are the moment a guy asks for your phone number you start wondering, could this guy be the one? We date with a purpose.  Or at least most of us do.  We date to find that partner for life, that husband to love us, that father for our children.  Rarely do we date just to date.  Guys on the other hand…

True, there are those men out there that are solely interested in long term commitment right off the bat.  There are always exceptions to every rule, so please hear me when I caveat what I’m about to say.  Most guys do not go out on a first date and think, could she be the one?  More often than not they are thinking about what it would be like to kiss you.  They wonder what you are all about and if your personalities will click.  They are thinking about what comes next.  They don’t daydream ten years down the line. They don’t fantasize about what your children will look like. At least not on a first date.

This is important to keep in mind because going one step further, most women think, “if he’s not interested in marrying me, he’d break it off with me,”  and that is just not always the case.  Men, as I outlined above, don’t always think the way we do.  I’ve known men that have kept women around for years with no intention of marrying them.  I’ve had guy friends tell me, “I like her, but she’s not the one.” I can name a hundred different scenarios where men will keep dating someone that they don’t see themselves committing to.  I call these women the “good-for-now” girlfriends.

G-F-N girlfriends are just that – good for right now.  Maybe the guy is traveling a lot and needs someone to hang out with when he comes back to town.  He’s too busy to put too much thought into dating, so he sticks with who’s he’s comfortable with.  It’s easy, he likes her, but will he marry her? No.  Eventually when she pressures him enough, he’ll crack and break it off.  Is this fair? He thinks so.   After all, he did tell her upfront he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.

It would be great if all men and women were honest with their feelings.  We’d all probably find our happily ever after a lot faster that way. But the truth is we aren’t always truthful and forthcoming.  The truth is we sometimes put our own feelings ahead of the other persons.  I experienced this first hand with a relative of mine that was dating a woman he didn’t see a future with.  He dated her for three years!  Three years with no intention of marrying her or even fully committing to her.  How could he do this? How could he waste her time? Very easily, I would say.  He told her all along that he was commitment-phobic and unsure about marriage.  He told her he liked her very much and wanted to spend time with her, but needed his space.  In his eyes he was honest and upfront with her, even though he was seeing her twice a week and spending the holidays with her, he didn’t feel guilty because he told her what to expect.

Scary if you are a woman.  Scary to think you could be in a relationship with someone at this very moment and not know what’s going on in your man’s head.  Scary to think maybe you are a good-for-now-girlfriend.  But just knowing that this is possible, should make you all the more wiser.  Just knowing that a man can date you without real purpose, should give you the gumption to walk away if you’re feeling frustrated.  You want and deserve to be more than a good-for-nower.  You deserve forever.

If you are worried about where your relationship is going, contact Jess about a personal date consulting session. Jess will be able to tell you how to interpret his words and actions so you don’t risk being a good-for-now-girl too.  Also check out her book, “You Lost Him at Hello.”

You’ve probably heard by now about Heidi Montag’s ten hour body and facial renovation.  If you haven’t, you can read about it in just about any tabloid mag.  In November she underwent major plastic surgery.  Ten hours under the knife to correct her chin, ears, eyebrows, already augmented breasts, and a variety of other alleged imperfections .  All together she spent an estimated 30,000 dollars and to be honest, she looks the same to me.

Since this story broke it really made me think about women these days and how obsessed we can be when it comes to our appearance.  In general, we pour a lot of money, time, and energy into our physique.  When was the last time you’ve spent less than 3-4 hours and $200 at a hair salon? And you have to go every six to eight weeks or your hair starts to look unwashed.  But that’s just the standard.  What about those of us that spend thousands of dollars each year on designer clothes, shoes, and handbags?  Or religiously schedule routine botox and collagen injections?  In general the female population in America is really, really focused on looking good.  I’m not judging or saying it’s a bad thing, I freak out myself if I have a bad hair day, but here is one thing I want all women to think about: while we are spending so much time and energy on the outside, what is happening to the inside?  When do we put time and money into making the inside of us as beautiful and interesting?  In the long run, your personality, sense of humor and intelligence is what makes or breaks you as a person.  It is what will stay with you throughout the years.  While your skin will sag, hair will thin, and metabolism will slow, the inside of you can be as attractive at 70 as it was at 30… if you let it.

Pretty faces are a dime a dozen in most towns.  But what is rare is a woman with a wicked sense of humor.  A girl that can beat you at pool.  A lady that is as smart as she is sexy.  I remember being in college and going to a party where someone had broken out a guitar.  A few guys toyed around with it and tried playing a few songs when two girls walked by.  One of them insisted the guys give her friend the guitar, saying she knew how to play.  The friend shook her head and refused at first, but after some coaxing she sat down and began to play.  To say she blew everyone away was an understatement.  This girl could really play.  The guys were awestruck.  Suddenly this chick was the hottest girl in the room.  She only played for five minutes but she was the belle of the ball for the next five hours.

If you are single and ready to settle down, the best piece of advice I can give you is to spend less time trying to compete physically with all the other women in the world, and focus on what makes you different on the inside.  Any man that marries you based on your looks will only trade you for a younger model down the road.  What will keep your relationship strong and solid is mutual respect.  And although most guys can appreciate a nice rack, it’s not enough to sustain the long haul.

Next time you are headed to the mall because you need a new outfit,  check out the Barnes & Noble instead of Dolce & Gabbana. Instead of spending an hour at Nail Love, spend that hour practicing piano.  What sets you apart and makes you different is what makes you the most attractive.  So in between a wax and a tan, make sure you also log some time into making yourself better on the inside.  I guarantee it will pay off a lot more in the long run.

To learn more about Jess and her dating techniques, visit www.jessmccann.com For a personal date consulting session, contact her at coach@jessmccann.com.